Wednesday, June 15, 2016

It's hard being nice sometimes

Recently, my family went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants in Chicago.  We were celebrating the visit of my dad's best friend from medical school being in town with his family, so our it was a special occasion.  It was a great meal, we all had some drinks, and we left the restaurant around 10:30 to get in our cars or cabs and go home.  My mom asked that we all pose for one last photo before we parted ways.  We all groaned and complained, but we posed and then gave each other hugs and started to say our goodbyes.

This is not that photo, but this is my immediate family.
At that time, a woman passing by on the sidewalk paused in her journey, turned to all of us, and started saying truly vile and horrible things to all of us.  I will not repeat them here, mostly because I don't remember her exact words, just the tone of her voice and the fact that she was very clear that we did not belong in America.  Mostly, she went on and on about Indian people in general (she was weirdly specific about her hatred of Indians), and how all of us should go back to "our country."  (Not that it should matter, but everyone in my family is an American citizen.)

My brother's girlfriend is white, so the woman took special care to show her disdain and special level of anger for anyone white who would choose to spend her time with so many Indian people.

Needless to say, all of us were horrified and very shaken up.  I have never before in my life felt the full power of unadulterated hatred.  I don't think I've ever seen so much anger directed at anyone so pointedly.  And it was for me.  And my parents.  And my siblings and friends.

I did not react well.  I was tired from traveling home from a weekend away, I knew I had to be up early and at work the next day, I had had a couple of glasses of wine.  And there had already been enough hatred spewed into the world that day.  Everyone else reacted by not reacting.  Trying to ignore the woman, trying to get all of us in the cars, trying to make light of the situation to keep everyone calm and feeling safe.

I yelled back.  I'm not proud of this.  It was stupid.  This is Chicago.  She could very possibly have had a gun and used it.  And what's another hate crime in America these days?  I wish I could say I did not stoop to her level, but I 100% did.  I did not call her vile or horrible names or insult her entire race or nationality or family, but I did tell her to get away from us using a lot of words that I do not use regularly.

I have read a lot about the Civil Rights movement.  I grew up hearing all about satyagraha.  I understand that there is power and dignity in passive resistance and that one should try to take the high road.  After all, the woman was probably mentally unstable.  Maybe she had had a bad day.  Perhaps she was homeless.  (In my defense, she did not look to be any of those things to me, but I was not an unbiased observer.)


Honestly, it's SO HARD sometimes to be kind to people.  Especially to people who are verbally pounding you and your loved ones with the full force of their vitriol.  People who make it personal without knowing you personally.  And it's not even being actively kind.  It's just... not being angry.  Holding your emotions in check.  Being the adult.  Being the better person.

But I know I'm the better person, at least in this situation, and I still reacted that way.  I have been doing so much reading and thinking and discussing around kindness and empathy and vulnerability  and trying so hard to become a kinder, more empathetic and open person for months now.  I said as much in my last post.  And it all just went right out the window at the first pressure point.

The fact is, it's a lot easier to be kind and empathetic and vulnerable with people who are like you.  It's much harder with people who are at the other end of the spectrum.  It's not that I wish I had given the woman a hug and learned about her past horrible experiences with Indian people so that I could understand where her hatred was coming from and then wow her with my empathy so that she would trust me and, thus, all Indians she encounters in the future.  I'm not that naive.


It's more that I wish I had been like the rest of my family in that situation and just remained calm and aloof.  I mean, none of them are on a personal improvement project of kindness and empathy and vulnerability, and yet, somehow, they all managed to hold it together until we were in private.  I don't like to be quiet about things that are important to me.  It feels like acceptance.  As though by not saying anything, you are implying, "You are entitled to your opinion, and I shall respect that opinion."

BUT SOMETIMES PEOPLE ARE JUST WRONG.  And I feel like they should know that.  Granted, I am unlikely to convince them of this by shouting at them while I get into a car.  But... well, someone should tell them.  Possibly someone who is further along on the continuum of kindness and empathy than I am. 

If I could do that night over, I would.  Obviously, I would ideally do it over in that the woman wouldn't be there at all.  But if she had to be there, I'd prefer to not react as I did.  I wish I had a mantra.  Be the person you want her to see, not the person she already does see.  Be better.

But, as many of you know, that  puts the onus on the innocent party and basically lets the other guy off without even a slap on the wrist.  I guess just the moral victory of being the better person is supposed to balance that equation.  I don't know if it does.

There is so much misdirected anger and hatred in the world.  It's too much.  I don't know how to handle it, and I clearly do not deal with it well when I come face-to-face with it.  It's hard to be rational.  It's hard to stay calm.  It's hard to not fight back, to kick and scream about the unfairness of it all.  Because, dammit, it really sucks to have to be the bigger person every. single. time.  To remind yourself:  She is not well.  She does not know you.  She has no power over you.  Her words do not define you.  YOU define you.  YOU choose the words.  YOU choose the actions.  But you have to do it.  Not every moment is a teaching moment, and not everyone is open to being taught, anyway.  You can only control what you do, and hope that when you reflect back on your own actions, that you are happy with how you acted or find it in yourself to react better the next time.  If there has to be a next time.

As the glorious and sorely missed Terry Pratchett said in his book A Hat Full of Sky,

"There isn't a way things should be.  There's just what happens, and what we do."

32 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Some people seem to forget that this country is mainly a land of immigrants. We all came from someplace else and that is what makes us unique and wonderful. But some people seem to forget all this, especially lately when some of our politicians legitimize their hateful rhetoric and talk about building walls instead of tearing them down.

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    1. Yes, I agree the political climate probably makes people feel much "braver" about speaking openly of their hatred, as though there's nothing wrong with it.

      People always bring up the land of immigrants thing, perhaps because most people always say "GO HOME" to people who look different than they do. But if it wasn't about race or nationality, it would just be about something else, I think.

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  2. This is awful and so sad. I have no words to offer other than I value you. I know it's not near enough nor helpful but it's what I got. I too want to figure out how to navigate fearlessly, respectfully and kindfully.

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    1. Thank you, Care, it IS helpful.

      And if not fearlessly, respectfully and kindly, at least... quietly walk away?

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  3. That is vile. I'd be too stunt to come back with something, and wish I had. It's hard to find a balance of being a good person and not looking meek/defeated at the same time. I'm still trying to figure things out.

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    1. Clearly, I'm right there with you. I agree it's hard to find a balance. Then again, I didn't think anyone else in the situation looked meek or defeated at all, I thought they were probably being really smart.

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  4. First of all: I'm so very sorry, friend, that you and your family had to go through such a horrific experience. Much love to you and yours. I honestly think this is happening more and more because the current political climate had legitimatised racism to such an extent that people feel it's okay to do this sort of thing again. Obviously I don't think structural racism had ever really gone anywhere, or even overt racist abuse, but still - this sort of ugly, in-your-face aggressiveness owes a lot to Trump and Co emboldening people who were already prone to racism, or giving them a facile outlet for their various grievances. It's terrifying.

    As you know, I've been in a similar place this year when it comes to my reading and the things I've realised about how I want to live my life - but I think that as a part of that, it's important to apply that same kindness to ourselves. Your anger in a situation as dreadful as this is only human and understandable. And I get that you realise that, but still feel that that's not who you want to be or how you want to live. But that's okay too - what happened doesn't lessen your commitment to openness and dialogue. There's a lot to be angry about if you're not white in America, and it's understandable that it will be too much to hold in sometimes.

    "BUT SOMETIMES PEOPLE ARE JUST WRONG. And I feel like they should know that. Granted, I am unlikely to convince them of this by shouting at them while I get into a car. But... well, someone should tell them. Possibly someone who is further along on the continuum of kindness and empathy than I am."

    The only solution I've found for this is to try to think more in collective terms, and to rely on others whenever it's possible. As you know, I've had some run-ins with xenophobia in the UK. That's not really the same as racism in America, of course (I don't have to worry someone will shoot me, for starters, and I can only imagine what a world of difference that makes), so this parallel is imperfect. What I'm about to say comes with that caveat. But for example, when I'm trying to help someone at my library and they tell me very aggressively they know I'm going to still their card details because "that's what foreigners are like", I find that I'm unable to reason with them. It's too frightening, too hurtful, too infuriating - just too much. All I want to do is remove myself from the situation as quickly as possible. In a situation like that, it means the world to me if one of my colleagues, someone who doesn't have a personal stake or is not directly in the line of fire, steps in and speaks on my behalf. It doesn't mean they can speak for me in every situation, of course, but when I'm particularly vulnerable, when I'm the direct target of aggression, support from those who are a little safer is what gets me through it. I don't think that means my colleagues are kinder than me - it's just that some things hit too close to home. And while I know it's not impossible that some people who are immigrants themselves would be able to remain open and reason with someone directing abuse at them, I don't think that's necessarily about their level of kindness and empathy. I suspect it's about the emotional resources you have at that particular point in time, and there are so many things that factor into that.

    Again, any parallel between my experiences and yours is imperfect at best, but I hope this is of some help anyway. All my love to you <3

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    1. I agree, it is really wonderful to have an advocate speak up on your behalf, and I agree it's easier when they are somewhat removed from the situation. It's more that - my family was in the exact same situation I was, and not at all removed from it, and they all reacted much more calmly.

      But I agree with you. I don't think my reaction means that I'm not a good person. I just think it made me think more deeply about how hard it really can be to be passive. I can't even imagine the things that were said to MLK, for instance, and that must have been so difficult to try and shake off and keep moving forward.

      Luckily, the next day, I went to watch basketball with friends, and it reminded me that there are also great people in my life, and I can focus on them.

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  5. I totally agree with Ana, especially her first paragraph. I don't think at all that reacting was stooping to her level. I think it was honest and above all courageous.

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    1. Thanks, Jill. I know you get riled up by the same sorts of things, and I always appreciate a good, honest, and courageous post by you :-)

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  6. I'm so sorry Aarti. It sounds like your family was having a perfectly nice time too. I have to admit my first reaction to your reaction was "good!" I know you are striving to be kinder but it was a normal human reaction considering what was happening to you. Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm glad that you were unharmed (physically) which today, I'm sorry to say, seems like a bonus. It makes me very sad.

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  7. What a horrible experience! I can't even believe that this stuff still happens in 2016. You would think the past would have changed the future by now, but it isn't... It is crazy how quickly we catch onto new technologies and things, but many people cannot seem to grasp the concept of kindness and respect! I am sorry that someone so close-minded and rude ruined your family dinner.

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  8. Wow, Aarti, that is awful. What a horrible fucking person. I'm so sorry that you and your family ended up being the target of her racist ranting -- and honestly, I don't think clapping back at her is necessarily contrary to your project of being kind and understanding. I truly don't. I think there are times for passive resistance and times to clap back, and they're both important. So many hugs, friend, you're an amazing person. <3

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    1. That's very true. I've never heard the term "clap back" before, but I like it. And it's true, both responses have their place.

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  9. You're the second story I've seen today of this. What is wrong with people who think that this is ok? I'm glad that you are all physically ok. I would be a person who would be more likely to freeze in the moment. I'm pretty non confrontational. It is a hard call to know what to do in that situation. She needs to hear that this is not ok but she isn't going to listen to anything you say. I also think that it can be healthy for you not to take abuse passively and to stand up for yourself. I don't think anyone can fault you for reacting the way you did.

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  10. I want to say that she was just crazy or on drugs, but no, she was just a shitty human being who hates others. No one should have to experience that

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    1. But so many people do, and have, through all of history.

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  11. I don't have anything much more to say than that I'm so, so, so very sorry this happened to you. Given the political climate right now, I worry that more and more people will feel it's OK to say things like this.

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  12. I have nothing to really add that hasn't been said, Aarti. I am so sorry you and your family had to go through that. No one should. Nothing about what that woman did is okay.

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  13. I am so very, very sorry this happened. I hope these people are dying out, and they are just having a last stand. I just heard that the kids going into school this year for the first time are not majority white. Thank God. I can't wait for all these racist, sexist, genderist (is that a word) white people to die off and be replaced. I feel that I would have done exactly as you did. This is a terrible time when someone running for pres. is saying racist things and making it seem okay to all the others. I'm just sorry, sorry, sorry you had to have this happen to you. It breaks my heart.

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    1. I don't think that kids going into school not being majority white will really change anything as the country is still extremely segregated. White kids go to school with a LOT of other white kids. It's really only minorities that go to school with other minorities. I don't see that changing any time soon, as that would require massive school reform. Or for us to return to busing.

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    2. And 100% agreement on the racist presidential nominee.

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  14. Just don't beat yourself up about reacting the way you did. We all lose our temper occasionally (unless we're a saint), and I'm pretty sure that in the same situation I would either have done nothing because I would have been too stunned, and would have curled up in my shell, and pretended that it hadn't really hurt me (which afterwards would have majorly annoyed me, as I would have felt that horrid woman would have felt that what she said was ok, which it clearly wasn't), or I would have reacted just like you.

    I'm so sorry, and felt so angry that you and your family were treated like this. Much love to you all.

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    1. I don't think those are two mutually exclusive reactions. I definitely did the shouting AND the curling up sobbing. This is one of those occasions in which having the same stuffed bear that I've had my whole life to hug to my chest and slobber all over is of great comfort to me.

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  15. I'm so sorry that this happened to you and your family. I can completely understand your reaction and not being able to remain calm and collected at the time. I've dealt with similar incidents as have my family and friends and its hard to just ignore these people's comments in the moment. I get so angry all I see is red and I try to stay calm, but sometimes I can't help but respond. I hate that there are people like this spewing such hate at you and your family, me and my family, and everyone else they are attacking - its just not right. You are so right in everything you wrote and I love the quote you ended with - its spot on! Great post, Aarti - I loved it!

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    1. I'm so sad that you and your family and friends have dealt with the same thing. In speaking with some others, I've realized that, while these incidents are isolated, they are by no means as rare as we'd all like to believe.

      All we can do is surround ourselves with excellent family and friends and create a cocoon of goodness, I suppose. Which sounds warm and good and wonderful, but a little isolating. But reminding ourselves of all the good people out there is very important, too!

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  16. I'm really sorry this happened to you and your family. However, I do want to thank you so much for sharing this and how you've been processing it. I hope it never happens again.

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  17. I'm so sorry that happened to you and your family. That made me feel really sad and angry on your behalf and in general about the bold racism that seems to have been encouraged by the current political climate. It's just really hard to know what to do when xenophobic people seem impervious to changing their ways. Thanks for sharing your story and your thoughts.

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  18. It scares me that there are so many people who think like this and act like this in our country today. It hurt me to read what you experienced and I imagine it hurt you much more. I work at an institution (a community college) that emphasizes diversity, so sometimes I forget that there are people who are this insensitive. I can only add to the many comments of sorrow that you had to experience that.

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  19. I'm just catching up on blog reading so I'm reading this about 24 hours after the Brexit vote. I don't know what specifically has prompted all of this hidden racism to bubble up to the surface (it can't just be Trump because it's happening in other countries like Britain) but it's disturbing and depressing. I am so sorry that your family was on the receiving end of such horrible stupidity.

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  20. What a terrible experience. I feel a sense of outrage, and I wasn't there. I don't blame you at all for yelling back. I'm not sure silence is the right response. Calm words of dignity would have been splendid, but who has that kind of presence of mind? You were feeling wonderful, happy, and safe. And that vile woman took that away. I wish I could stand next to you physically, but I stand next to you morally and emotionally. And while that woman may have been mentally ill, we have a lot of excuses for people who behave badly, and she probably doesn't deserve any of them. Virulent, open, vitriolic racism is rampant in our country. And I hate that.

    I admire your project of reading and working on yourself. I've read and studied about the Civil Rights movement, and the idea of ahimsa is a powerful one. But even within the movement, Civil Rights workers struggled with the feelings you are having. Even Dr. King struggled. As a teacher, the best thing I can do is read, study, learn, and pass the knowledge along with everyone I interact with, especially my students.

    This comment is too long. I hope that a renewed sense of strength comes to you. The struggle continues. Peace to you and your family.

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  21. Much love to you and your family. I am so sorry that this happened to yourfamily. People are acting more crazy in this political environment, they feel free to last out! May you be blessed to know this is not everyman, but one disturbed woman.

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