Characters I Would Marry if They Actually Existed And Asked Me to Marry Them

In Tweeting with Nymeth and and Ooh ... Books! today (yes, I think I am getting the hang of tweeting, though I only talk to book people on there), I mentioned that I have a literary crush on Lord Vetinari, the Patrician from the Discworld books. That caused me to mull for some time over other literary crushes I have and, being fairly self-absorbed, I decided you all would like to know who those lucky fellows are, too. So, in the tradition of my Characters I Hate and my Characters I Love posts of storied lore, here is my Characters I Would Marry If they Really Existed and Asked Me to Marry Them. This is the third in an occasional series of "Characters I..." posts that I'll write when the mood hits me :-)

Based on my personal preference, this list only includes male characters. However, if you make your own list (and I hope you do!), you can include anyone you want. Also, the list is in no particular order, and I am trying not to overlap too much from the Characters I Love Post.

1. Lord Vetinari, The Patrician of Terry Pratchett's Discworld Books - This man can Get. Stuff. Done. He whipped Ankh-Morpork into shape by creating a guild system; he diversified the police force so no one could accuse it of being discrimanatory towards dwarves, werewolves or anyone else; he got the country off the gold standard; he got the post office working efficiently, and he pulled it all off with major panache. When the trials of being dictator get to be too much, he has a convenient door in his office that leads to a painful, gruesome (but highly efficient) death. And of course, underneath his aloof bearing and inpenetrable sangfroid, he's a man who really wants to improve his country and employ the best people to do it. Excellent stuff.

2. Sir Tristram Shield, from Georgette Heyer's The Talisman Ring - When Lifeline Theater here in Chicago presented a stage production based on Heyer's novel, I immediately purchased tickets and dragged my parents to see Sir Tristram in the flesh. Gosh, he's dreamy. Not only does he have a very dry sense of humor, but he is also "handy with his fives," and any man who can punch the lights out of two thugs to save his lady love is a man for me. He also makes one of the most delightful marriage proposals I've ever encountered in a book. And if you are yet to read a Heyer novel, get to it!

3. Captain Wentworth, from Jane Austen's Persuasion - Anyone who can say No to a man that writes a letter saying this:

"You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight and a half years ago. Dare not say that a man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant."

clearly belongs in a mental institution. Sadly, Captain Wentworth did not send that note to me, but I feel certain that if I were there, he would most certainly have redirected his heart in my direction. I love, love, love Mr. Darcy, but Captain Wentworth is, in my opinion, Jane Austen's most underrated hero.

4. Janko, from Poison Study by Maria V. Snyder - Sure, maybe I am including Janko because I just finished the book he features in six hours ago and he's fresh in my mind. He's such a great guy, though. He's strong, smart and willing to take risks. He also has a great sense of humor that hides a deep-rooted loyalty to his friends. Quality.

5. Nicholas de Fleury, from The House of Niccolo series by Dorothy Dunnett - I don't know if I would have a happy marriage with Nicholas de Fleury, being that he's fairly ruthless and has a disturbing "I've got a secret and I'm not going to tell you what it is" habit that would make trust a little difficult. But he also has a huge sense of responsibility that encompasses everyone around him. It would be nice to feel wrapped up safe and warm in that sort of thing. Also, supposedly Nicholas is quite the ugly man (he is described as "an oak tree with dimples", but somehow he exudes (and I mean exudes, based on his success with women) sexual charisma. Not sure how that works, but it would be interesting to find out.

6. Lord Francis Skelbrooke, from Goblin Moon by Teresa Edgerton - Not many men can pull off a curly wig of pink-tinted hair and shoes with bows on them, but when those same men can kill a troll at point-blank range, one is able to (somewhat) forgive the pink hair. Skelbrooke is like the Scarlet Pimpernel; he seems foppish and shallow, but he's always a step ahead of everyone else and just so smart and wonderful. I adore Skelbrooke. I adore Goblin Moon. It is a hard-to-find but excellent gem of a steampunk novel that features (gasp!) a woman on my "Heroines That Don't Annoy Me" list. I highly recommend seeking it out.

7. Gilbert Blythe, from the Anne of Green Gables series by L. M. Montgomery - I am not sure if Gilbert would stand up as husband material for me on a re-read of the Anne of Green Gables series, and I don't care to find out. He was my first literary love- so sweet, so obviously in love with Anne from their first meeting. I was sad that he faded into the background in the later books of the series, but that just gave me more room to imagine witty and sweet things for him to say (to Anne, not me. I'm not that delusional). He is a true gentleman, and I could easily imagine him being the sort of person who would take his coat off and lay it on the street for a woman so that she didn't have to step in a puddle.

8. Number Ten Ox, from Bridge of Birds by Barry Hughart - Life with Number Ten would be fun, exciting and full of tummy-aching laughter. That's pretty ideal. I really need to get my hands on the sequels to this book for a price that is reasonable. Ox is just a really cool person.

9. Marcus Didius Falco, from the Falco series by Lindsey Davis - Ok, ok, I know he's on my Characters I Love list and that I tried to avoid those characters in this list. But I am making the rules here, right? All you have to do is read one Falco mystery and you'll know exactly why I love him. He is hilarious.

10. Eugenides, from The Queen's Thief series by Megan Whalen Turner - If I managed not to gush too much about Eugenides in my reviews of the first three books in Turner's series, then allow me to do so here. He is so clever, so completely hard to read, so sarcastic and so intelligent. (I apologize for the overuse of italics in this post. Yikes. I'm being quite emphatic.) He's fascinating. I am really, really excited about the next book in this series coming out, though I'm not sure if Eugenides will have a major role in it. That would be unfortunate because he is awesome. So, fingers crossed.

Characters I Love

As I already did a post on characters I hate, it is only fair to also do one on characters that I love. All the Heroines that Don't Annoy me on the right sidebar are ones that I love, but I will leave those out of this list because... well, it is clear already that I like them. I shall try not to make this list too male-centered because of that. I am actually really liking this series of posts. Maybe I'll do a "Characters that Surprised Me" one, too. Jamie Lannister, anyone? As before, this list is in no particular order.

1. Marcus Didius Falco, the Falco series by Lindsey Davis - Seriously, if I could marry this witty, sarcastic and thoroughly intelligent Roman private investigator from the 1st century AD, I would. He is just the sort of guy who can always make you laugh, has a mysterious and debonairly rakish past that he set aside for the love of A Good Woman, and is the Keeper of the Sacred Geese. What more could one ask for? He also has a completely INSANE family, which would probably not be fun to put up with as a wife, but is great fun to read about. If you like mysteries, and you like them set in the past, then Falco is someone who should be on your radar.

2. Hermione Granger, the Harry Potter series by J. K. Rowling - This girl rocks my socks, even though she is not on my heroines who don't annoy me list. Why? Because I don't know if she technically qualifies as a "heroine." Splitting hairs, I know, but one must have Standards, after all. Se's such a great witch and just the sort of friend you'd always want in your corner. She isn't blinded by looks or popularity or status and she always stands up for people. All-around rock star.

3. Rose (Josephine), in Sandra Gulland's Josephine Bonaparte trilogy - I thoroughly enjoyed Sandra Gulland's series about the Napoleonic era in France. It is narrated through Josephine Bonaparte's diary, which is a method of delivery that can go very badly if the narrator is not an easy-to-like character (such as Miss Gwilt in Armadale). But Josephine, or Rose as she calls herself, is a kind and wonderfully sympathetic narrator, and discovering France and living through the Revolution through her eyes is a wonderful way to learn more about the period and such a fascinating woman.

4. Freddy Standen, from Cotillion by Georgette Heyer - Cotillion is one of my favorite of Heyer's novels (I have several, I admit) because the two main characters are such good and sweet people. Freddy is exactly the sort of person you'd want in any difficult social situation. He is kind and sweet and funny and always knows just what to say. And he has the greatest friends. Cotillion really shows Heyer's knack for witty banter, and for those of you who still haven't read a single book by her... get going!

5. Ammar, from The Lions of Al-Rassan by Guy Gavriel Kay - I'm such a sucker for the Man Wounded By His Past and Misunderstood By Society character. Ammar is such a great example of this type done well. I think GGK has gotten a bit self-absorbed as an author, referencing his own works and seemingly being paid a great deal of money for each comma he manages to put into his books, but this had not happened yet in Lions. I love this book, and I love A Song for Arbonne because in both of them, he doesn't seem to have gotten into the habit yet of trying to tie all his characters together romantically at the ends of his books (regardless of whether or not the pairings make any sense). And Ammar is just such a sexy character, with a lot of depth and still some boyish playfulness (see rakishness of Marcus Didius Falco above). It works very well.

6. Brienne, from The A Song of Ice and Fire Series by George R. R. Martin - My friend Sudha and I talk a great deal about George R. R. Martin and his ability to conveniently forget that he has an entire second half of a complex series of fantasy novels to write. He claims to be very busy all the time, working on his blog and collecting toy soldiers and a library of all his own books in different languages. But before A Feast for Crows, which I found somewhat disappointing, he had a really magnificent run of books peopled by fascinating characters. One of my favorites is Brienne, an ugly woman warrior. I like that Brienne is ugly and does not apologize for it. She accepts who she is, and is such a kind and strong person that eventually, everyone sees beneath the exterior. She is so courageous to do the things she does, knowing that people mock her, and I especially like her affect on Jamie Lannister. GRRM's ability to make Jamie Lannister into a completely sympathetic and easy-to-like character really shows his writing genius, too. I wish he'd utilize that genius more in writing new books, but I guess we must all be patient :-)

7. William Thornhill, from The Secret River by Kate Grenville - Ok, ok, I am aware that I need to get over this book, but once you read it, hopefully you'll realize why I liked it so much! Thornhill is a masterfully created character. He is fascinatingly flawed, so complicated and mercurial. I loved reading about him and about his life in Australia. He's one of those characters that just takes over the book that is being written with his huge, dominant personality. Such charisma- he really leaps off the page.

8. Atticus Finch, from To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee - What a stellar guy. He's a great lawyer, he's a great father, he's a great person. And this is a great book. Here's hoping it's not just considered a classic in America, but is a classic everywhere. Atticus Finch is the sort of person who can influence people for the better, who makes them want to be good so that he will be proud of them.

9. Sophie Hatter & the Wizard Howl, from Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones - Unlike Edward Cullen and Bella Swan from the Twilight series, this is a magical couple that I love. Howl and Sophie are hilarious together. Sophie is such a strong-willed and fiesty girl and Howl is such a high-maintenance and hilarious guy. They complement and support each other's personalities so well. And, more importantly, they really manage to have fun with each other. I am cheating by putting Sophie on this list since she's a Heroine Who Doesn't Annoy Me, but hey... she and Howl rock my world.

10. Rudy Steiner, from The Book Thief by Markus Zusak - This is one of the best books I've ever read and Rudy is one of the greatest characters ever. I think writing a child/teenage character would be really difficult, but Zusak does it so well in this book, especially with Rudy. He's such a sweetheart, always willing to fight for the underdog and always going after what he wants. And a symbol for what the Holocaust (and all wars, really) cost the world- how many brilliant artists, politicians, authors and leaders did the world lose? If there was anyone in the real world that was anything like Rudy... then we have lost too many to even imagine.

Characters I Hate

Court over at Once Upon a Bookshelf started a list of characters in literature she hates, after doing her Rosie's Riveters post here. Kelly took it up at The Written World, and now I decided to do it, too. Why? Because I like to be negative and catty :-)

It's only fair, though, that I balance the scales and do a list of characters I love, too. That will be done at some point in the future but not right now. I'm pulling 70 hour weeks at work for about three weeks now- happiness and love are not my dominant emotions at the moment.

This list is in no order whatsoever. And, to be fair just for the last character- it's not all characters I hate, but sometimes characters I just expect a little more from. But mostly characters I hate :-)

1. Bella Swan and Edward Cullen - Gosh, these two make my blood boil. I went off against them in my Twilight review, I've gone off against them to anyone who makes an off-handed remark to me (and then completely regretted it, I'm sure), and I'll probably go off about them again several times. I just really strongly dislike them. Edward is possessive and obsessive and much, much older than Bella. (And seriously, he shines in the sun? Give me a break. The guy is not a god, he's a vampire.) Bella is just a twit. The girl has no backbone, no sense of balance, and no grasp on reality. Putting the two together, you do not get earth-shattering romance, you get a possessive and unbalanced glowstick (probably on acid at a rave). I can't even count them as two people because they are so wrapped up together in my mind. Anyone who cannot even be imagined without the company of another person is sad and unmemorable.

2. Katelina van Borselen - Dorothy Dunnett writes dense and sometimes cryptic prose in her two great series, The House of Niccolo and The Lymond Chronicles. While I am not as obsessed with these books as other people are, the characters do invite very strong reactions. And I have a very strong reaction to two of the females in the book (see next entry). Katelina is from the Niccolo series. She is the sort of girl who you "meet" in reading and wonder exactly how she sees situations; how can things possibly become so warped in her mind? She is completely self-absorbed and also delusional. Believe me- these two traits are really not good in tandem. Thoughts in her head must go something like, "I'm so pretty, every guy wants me. Even when they say they do not want me, they want me. Even if they ignore me, they are just pretending that they don't want me. Even if I seduce them and then they drop me, they still want me. And I will make them all realize how much they want me. And then I will hate them. Because that is how warped I am." Cow.

3. Oonagh O'Dwyer - From Dunnett's Lymond Chronicles this time. Honestly, Dunnett writes great males, but her females just suffer completely by comparison (as do most authors' females, to be fair. But hers to a greater extent). Oonagh has man hands, for one. That's weird. She's also depressing and fatalistic. A Debbie Downer, if you will. She gets herself into a complicated and bad situation and decides to just run away instead of dealing with it. Seriously, woman. Man up, if you don't mind my turn of phrase.

4. Guinevere - Yes, I wrote her up in my Rosie's Riveters post. Yes, she still sucks.

5. Catelyn - From George R. R. Martin's Song of Ice and Fire series. Um, how psychotic is this woman? It's like bizarre and misdirected Dawn of the Undead with her. I understand that it can be slightly awkward to face life as a zombie with a very inconvenient slit in your throat, but no need to kill every possible person you see as an enemy because of it. Calm down!

6. Leonie - From Georgette Heyer's These Old Shades. This girl is such a "Mary Sue." She's the most annoying person in the whole book, feeling a need to describe everyone around her as a barn animal, and somehow she gets this frightening older (much older) man to fall in love with her. Besides reeking of a Daddy complex, this just doesn't do it for me. Leonie was unworthy of Avon (though he wasn't such a great person, either, in my view), and undeserving of all the praise people kept piling on her. Also, this book irked me in general with the way Heyer used the whole Princess and the Pea mentality- as though it's in our blood to be either an aristocrat or a peasant. Though really, I guess all aristocrats thought that!

7. Heathcliff, from Wuthering Heights - It's quite likely Edward Cullen descends directly from Heathcliff (or, depending on Edward's age, it may be the other way around). Unhealthy obsession, and really cruel in the bargain. Talk about a sore loser.

8. Yudhishtira, from the Mahabharata - Most people are probably unfamiliar with Hindu mythology, but Yudhishtira always gets on my nerves. He's quite righteous and injured-party-ish for someone who was willing to sell his wife and his brothers at the gambling table, much less his kingdom. Control yourself, buddy. Maybe that way, you won't be the cause of death of practically every man on earth.

9. Maia, from the Falco series by Lindsey Davis - She's apparently Falco's favorite sister, but I certainly don't know why. She's loud and brash and mean and I will be very, very upset if she ends up happily ever after with a certain someone...

10. This is actually a huge surprise to me, but I think the seventh book took me over the edge with this character. I loved him in the first part of the series, when he had the best lines and was funny and sweet and supportive. But then he became all teenager-like, with his inferiority complex and temper tantrums and jealousy... Ron Weasley, here's hoping that you straighten yourself out after high school and become worthy of Hermione Granger. She doesn't need to put up with your crap.